I’m having withdrawals. It’s been a full three days since I last offended anyone. Hatemail to me is like the best performance enhancement doctors can no longer legally prescribe. I was thinking of how to keep my veiny, skin-tightening pump going and get my fix…and as if by destiny (we believe in that kind of thing around here) an article to help me keep it and get it magically presented itself.
Are you fat? Are you, like that grotesque blob in my last post (“love is blind and blubbery…”) wanting true love but haven’t seen your sex parts since you were an infant?
Well, I’ve some bad news and some good news.
The chairman of the International Obesity Taskforce wants world leaders to agree a global pact to ensure that everyone is fed healthy food.
That’s right, fatboy, the government has its sights set on taking away another freedom- your freedom to feed your face ass self whatever you may like. Frankly, although I’m a guy big on having the government get the hell out of our lives, I happen to be quite alright about fat people losing this freedom of theirs. If you can’t keep yourself out of the Dunkin Donuts and other lard-laden junk food joints, then you should have to wear a tracking harness (the ankle bracelets skinny, unfed prisoners use won’t fit) and when you make a move to keep acting the pig you are, law enforcement steps in and muzzles you.
Freedom comes with responsibility and anyone who lets their mouth expand their weight to this kind of blasphemous, ungodly heft obviously doesn’t get how the two work with one another. So in the interest of the self-disciplined humans of the human race, your freedom to further abuse your responsibility must be taken away. After all, you are endangering the rest of us. You are potentially killing off mankind. How’s that? Well, as this article somewhat tries to point out, putting forward the idea that obesity must be fought in the same ludicrous manner idiots are suggesting we combat climate change. What they really mean is that the flatulence of fat people contributes more to global warming than either cows or industrial capitalists (i.e., those who will subsidize the universal health care plan we will inevitably have because of those who don’t take responsibility for their own health to begin with).
Of course not, dimwit. The writers of the article don’t say exactly that. They can’t. What, has the congealed bacon grease of your arteriosclerosis also started to coat the neurons of your fat-suffocated brain? Who doesn’t know, media people can’t just call a fat ass a fat ass, anymore; if they do they will likely get sued for discrimination. That’s why you have me. To fillet the prime pieces from the ambiguity. Jesus, they just don’t pay me enough for this job I do. And the lack of appreciation… forget about it.
Another fat person expert, Professor Rena Wing (fat ass herself, you betcha) says, “The obesity epidemic won’t go away simply because people switch to skimmed milk from whole milk.”
No, it won’t. But I have the solution. Instead of stomach staples, use mouth staples.
Your Founding Father of great, non-fat, lean and mean muscular, 8-pak health,