Warriors Push Babies From The Nest...
I sometimes wish I had not agreed to be a Warrior. I sometimes wish I were selfish and small and took what I wanted without regard. I wish I pushed my way to the front of the line and screamed things like, "that's not fair", or "it's my turn", and "Nuuh uh" the way "adults" in today's world unabashedly do. I sometimes want to be a big baby and a crybaby...
... but I can't.
...I truly hate big babies and loathe cry babies...they disgust me. I have no patience for hand wringing and self pity. Better people have faced harder things than me so I am of the "buck up buttercup" mentality that screams "SHUT THE F UP AND DO THE HARD STUFF.".
Nothing will be harder than letting Indy leave to live in California but I must. My baby bird has clipped wings in our small community so when Anaheim Ballet asked Indy to come train with them and a beautiful family opened their doors to allow that possibility I gulped...and then said OK. I've told the story before of a tiny Indiana Marin Warrior proclaiming, at four, her life's dream and how seriously I took the look in her soul filled passionate eyes. I knew that look...it belonged to her father...I was wise enough then to know this fact...there is no stopping the rocket ship of a true warrior... so instead of putting reigns on my girl I saddled up that pink spaceship and signed on for an out of the world ride.
It has not always been an easy ride. Anyone truly imbued with fierce talent will tell you how unrelenting mediocrity is in its pursuit. If you possess even a modicum of sparkle you will bat away the vultures and flies that buzz around hoping their cruelty and snark will dim the glow of their prey. So foolish are these gnats they do know know the purpose they unwittingly serve...too blind are they to know they've sharpened the blade that will slice into life and carve a name in destiny's lights. For every one of you cruel, nasty girls who hid Indy's shoes, didn't make her a tee shirt when she was Clara out of spite (or stood by mute and let it happen), left her out of ice-cream invites, stole her dance clothes, snarked, balked at her talent, and declared her "not that good",
Along with the spirit her father imparted on her DNA, her fierce determination and toughness, discipline and tenacity your EVERY slight made her better. Thank you for adding to the depth of her passion. Thank you for forcing her to climb hand over fist to reach for the stars.
Attacking greatness never makes for greatness, it only makes the perpetrator small. True greatness seeks greatness to stand beside in parallel universes where applause goes both ways and the company you keep elevates you to new heights. We all feel small sometimes...choose to expand out of the smallness into a largeness that was designed with only the destiny drawn for you to inhabit.
I have a skill that is often helpful but daunting too. I can see the ripples in a pond as soon as a pebble is cast. I can extrapolate forward to possible outcomes and then work my way backward so a loose roadmap can be sketched that followed back leads to my ultimate goal. I cannot, of course, see the canyons, potholes, divots, pebbles, poppyseed that lay ahead that will make for my stumble (because stumble we do...it's nothing personal...it's just life) but there is a blueprint that brings me back to the building at hand. I always return to the blueprint, to the map...I always go back to the bigger picture, the pebble cast hopefully into the pond. It gives structure to the intangibility of a dream.
I never lost sight of Indy's dream...even after Warrior died. I believed in her declaration, "...one day I will be on a stage in New York City and you will be in the front row crying. Not because you are sad but because you are so proud of me...".... I never looked at my barely four year old daughter and asked "How do you know about New York City?" Or "Why only me? Where is Daddy?" I simply met her determined stare and asked, "Indy, Do you want to take a ballet class?" too which she solemnly answered, "More than anything in the world...".
And so it began....
I will have lost half my family in three years. Indy will be sixteen in December and she will no longer be living in my home. I don't want to let her leave my nest. I want to keep her in the safety of my sight and care so that I can protect her from life and the cruelty that certainly lies ahead... but I won't. I don't clip wings, I fluff feathers. I don't fear flying , I run headlong off the cliff at breakneck speed...How else could I have shown my girls what it is to be a Phoenix rising from the ashes...how else could I live with myself if I blocked the destiny my husband set into motion giving us all the Warrior name.
I believe Indy will indeed dance on a NYC stage. I believe God put the right people in our path to make this true. I believe there are no better words than those her father spoke to push my baby bird from the nest into the azure sky...
"You must show no mercy, nor have any faith whatsoever in how others will judge you ...For your greatness will silence them all.".